Archive for October, 2007

A Forward-Minded Generation!!

Posted in Criticism, Satire with tags , , , , on October 18, 2007 by Tony Sebastian

Have you ever received absolutely irritating and irrelevant forwards that bug you beyond death and make you feel like all the intelligent life in the universe has just migrated to mars? Oh wait aren’t you the moron who sent me the forward in the first place?

Well you know what I am talking about, those ridiculous forwards generated by totally jobless pranksters who just want to have a laugh, which are forwarded by dense morons who skipped the brain servings in heaven because the queue was too long before they set their dumbasses on the planet.

The kinds that go like :

My grandma in Somalia hasn’t eaten in three days because Somalia has no supply of food grains. Kindly forward this message to everyone you know so that she can eat the enormous amount of pointless data that will get circulated.

Or the ones that say

Forward this message to 12 people at 12 in the night and 12 beautiful girls will tell you how good you look.

(C’mon you can’t blame me for forwarding that one 😉 the closest I’ve gotten is “Its good to look ugly da” and a comparison of my appearance to some ridiculous looking tree, near the CSE department, by two members of the fairer sex. Well the forwarding really worked. Next day, a dozen female pigs chased me from the 14th block till we parted ways half the way to the mess!)

Anyway you get the drift. The last straw was when I got the “get Kalam back” forward. Incessant forwarding of the same mail by a million people drove me up the wall to say the least. The essence of the mail was that since Kalam was a very great president, it was our duty to get him back to office by submitting a petition on Lolappan Chettan’s website designed by his son Mandan Kunju who had just learned HTML! This would cause the scales to fall from the eyes of all the politicians in India and Kalam would be gloriously reinstated!

I was happily rotting away in my room today, as jobless as Stuart Broad after bowling to Yuvraj (that is to say I was merely staring at the sky and hoping that an alien space ship would appear from somewhere and brighten up the day). Pretty much laidback you could say and no pun intended either! Sigh!

So well my phone beeps and I see a dumb message which goes on to say if I forward it to 10 other Vodafone users, I would get 75 mins absolutely free! Not surprising that this message was forwarded to me by the same numbskull-fairer-sex-ians who called me ugly and compared me to a tree (as if we didn’t know they were dumb enough already!).

Bored beyond irritation, I set about to test if the rest of the world was dumb enough. Immediately I made up a message (which many of you imbecilic jackasses forwarded with great fervour may I add?) which reads as follows

Today, 21st September, is the Vodafone (formerly hutch) pug’s birthday. On this joyous occasion, we would like to reward our esteemed customers. Night calls between 10 pm and 6 am will be made free for everyone who forwards this message to 10 other Vodafone users today. You will have this offer till September 29th, which is when the pug was baptized.

(If in spite of the capitalization, making bold and italic of some letters a bell dosen’t ring in the peanut you pass off for a brain, it stands for the name of the author of the message – TONY .)

Well it apparently wasn’t a very smart thing to do as my phone keeps beeping twice a minute with the same dumb message and its nearly four in the morning and I honestly can’t sleep!

so here I am begging you

PLEASE STOP FORWARDING DUMB MESSAGES YOU MORON!

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RAILWoeS II – The Departed ;)

Posted in Criticism, funny with tags , , , , on October 10, 2007 by Tony Sebastian

// Published in the jammag issue dated 15-29 May 2007, Vol 12, No: 16 

 

First time readers of the blog check out Railwoes I before reading this….

The train departed from the station as I fished out the 200 bucks from my wallet and handed it over. He was staring into the distance, and without moving his gaze, slipped the cash into a concealed pocket. For an instant he reminded me of a kitten lapping up milk from a bowl with its eyes closed, thereby supposedly blinding the world. One closer look at him and the kitten image was a thing of the past, and I’m not saying what follows because he took 200 bucks from me. :-“

He was wearing what appeared to be linen from an Egyptian mummy patched up pretty badly in the form of a wannabe white pair of trousers, a shirt which someone had doubtlessly puked on and a coat that had faded so much that even Leonardo Da Vinci wouldn’t be able to say what colour it had originally been. His hair was much like the Amazon undergrowth, and his facial hair looked like the bristles of an overly used toothbrush. Whether he was an ambassador of the surf excel ‘daag ache hain’ campaign I couldn’t tell, but he sure could be!

Using my superiorly developed intellect and deduction skills and due to sheer lack of something better to do, I figured out an explanation. We start with the saying by a great Greek philosopher “Greedy people are also stingy.” Don’t raise your eyebrows now there was a Greek philosopher who said that. What you think you know them all you conceited clown? Humph!

So here is what happened – as usual Mr. Thamarakshan Thazhe Edayil (um lets just call him TTE for short) woke up at 4 in the morning and squeezed the toothpaste tube which had served him well for three years. He used a little extra that day, what the hell thought him, the expiry date finished last week. After putting on his clothes sans the coat, he jumped into Mr. Shallow Joseph’s banana field and (b)lithely made his way over to the scarecrow, stripped it off the coat it was wearing, put it on and away he came to work. Ah elementary isn’t it? All it requires is a little logical reasoning. If someone from Scotland Yard is reading this, Thanks for the offer, but sorry I’m not interested 😉

With a heavy stomach, a light wallet and the satisfaction of solving the case without so much as lifting a finger, I settled down into my special seat. That’s when the kid next to me thought it might be fun to spill some motta curry on my new pair of jeans. Since it was the 2nd of Jan and one of my New Year resolutions included not screaming at kids who spill egg curry on my new pair of jeans, I smiled- to say I was composure personified wouldn’t be stretching the truth. I got up to wash myself, but the composure was broken when I heard the kid wail “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! How do I eat the appam without curry?” Sheesh!!!

Soon Naveen got in, and after sheepishly explaining to him the predicament we were in and praying in the back of my mind that one of his New year resolutions included not beating up friends who screw up train reservations, I tried to show him the bright side – we had a berth till Gudur where we were supposed to reach at 3, but since it was the Indian railways, we’d reach there only by about 5 (one would think!)

After some casual banter and the passing of Chennai central, I decided to call it a night and promptly slept at midnight. I had a pretty cool dream in Technicolor with commentary by Martin Tyler “ Manchester United have just completed the treble under their new owner and here is the captain handing over the trophy to Tony Sebastian… what a dream ….” And then it happened. The idiotic captain dropped the UEFA champions league trophy on my head! I was ready to fire him when I felt another impact on my head.

I forced my eyelids open and saw a little girl who was knee high to a grasshopper banging my head and singing the chorus of the sutta song and followed it up with other pleasantries. HINDIcapped though I may be, I knew she didn’t say “ What Ho! Lovely night eh?” I jumped out of her berth asking her to spare my life. I checked the watch, it was 1:30 in the morning and sure enough, we’d reached Gudur!

Mr. TTE I hope Shallow Joseph gets you with a shotgun next time you sneak into his farm!

I looked around and saw at least a 100 people and all of them seemed to know each other. I guessed a whole village was migrating. One of them passed by me and let’s just say I got a whiff of the reason as to why they were moving – Water shortage or may be even a lack of bathing bars!

Naveen and I sat on either side of his suitcase illustrating the proverb “ Oruma undenkil ulakka melum kidakkam” which translates to “if you’ve got a buffalo, you can recline on a stick”. Oops! Sorry eruma is buffalo, oruma is unity! Make the appropriate changes will you? Thanks.

Sleep deprived as we were, we recounted our tales of woe. Naveen told me how the chick we saw the previous week at the movies was Ms. South India or summat and that her name was Shana. She sure was a hottie, but then she was with a guy chiselled out of stone. Is that all gals care about? We wondered. I mean have you ever seen a gal go “oooooooooh he’s so hot, he makes cryptic crosswords!” well if you have, mail me the details at tony.crossie@gmail.com 😉

The train stopped almost as soon as it started. And we lay there not more than 10 metres after Gudur station for TWO HOURS! If I get my hands on that Coelho dude who said something about the universe conspiring in your favour I’ll, I’ll…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!

1000 mosquito bites, one broken back and a badly aching butt later, it was dawn. I caught Jijo ( a fellow college mate) by the collar and dragged him out of his berth and promptly crashed. I caught up on the dream “ Manchester United have the ball now. It’s a brilliant move, Smith to SHAAAAAAANNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH! BEAUTIFUL G(O)AL!!”