RAILWoeS II – The Departed ;)

// Published in the jammag issue dated 15-29 May 2007, Vol 12, No: 16 

 

First time readers of the blog check out Railwoes I before reading this….

The train departed from the station as I fished out the 200 bucks from my wallet and handed it over. He was staring into the distance, and without moving his gaze, slipped the cash into a concealed pocket. For an instant he reminded me of a kitten lapping up milk from a bowl with its eyes closed, thereby supposedly blinding the world. One closer look at him and the kitten image was a thing of the past, and I’m not saying what follows because he took 200 bucks from me. :-“

He was wearing what appeared to be linen from an Egyptian mummy patched up pretty badly in the form of a wannabe white pair of trousers, a shirt which someone had doubtlessly puked on and a coat that had faded so much that even Leonardo Da Vinci wouldn’t be able to say what colour it had originally been. His hair was much like the Amazon undergrowth, and his facial hair looked like the bristles of an overly used toothbrush. Whether he was an ambassador of the surf excel ‘daag ache hain’ campaign I couldn’t tell, but he sure could be!

Using my superiorly developed intellect and deduction skills and due to sheer lack of something better to do, I figured out an explanation. We start with the saying by a great Greek philosopher “Greedy people are also stingy.” Don’t raise your eyebrows now there was a Greek philosopher who said that. What you think you know them all you conceited clown? Humph!

So here is what happened – as usual Mr. Thamarakshan Thazhe Edayil (um lets just call him TTE for short) woke up at 4 in the morning and squeezed the toothpaste tube which had served him well for three years. He used a little extra that day, what the hell thought him, the expiry date finished last week. After putting on his clothes sans the coat, he jumped into Mr. Shallow Joseph’s banana field and (b)lithely made his way over to the scarecrow, stripped it off the coat it was wearing, put it on and away he came to work. Ah elementary isn’t it? All it requires is a little logical reasoning. If someone from Scotland Yard is reading this, Thanks for the offer, but sorry I’m not interested 😉

With a heavy stomach, a light wallet and the satisfaction of solving the case without so much as lifting a finger, I settled down into my special seat. That’s when the kid next to me thought it might be fun to spill some motta curry on my new pair of jeans. Since it was the 2nd of Jan and one of my New Year resolutions included not screaming at kids who spill egg curry on my new pair of jeans, I smiled- to say I was composure personified wouldn’t be stretching the truth. I got up to wash myself, but the composure was broken when I heard the kid wail “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! How do I eat the appam without curry?” Sheesh!!!

Soon Naveen got in, and after sheepishly explaining to him the predicament we were in and praying in the back of my mind that one of his New year resolutions included not beating up friends who screw up train reservations, I tried to show him the bright side – we had a berth till Gudur where we were supposed to reach at 3, but since it was the Indian railways, we’d reach there only by about 5 (one would think!)

After some casual banter and the passing of Chennai central, I decided to call it a night and promptly slept at midnight. I had a pretty cool dream in Technicolor with commentary by Martin Tyler “ Manchester United have just completed the treble under their new owner and here is the captain handing over the trophy to Tony Sebastian… what a dream ….” And then it happened. The idiotic captain dropped the UEFA champions league trophy on my head! I was ready to fire him when I felt another impact on my head.

I forced my eyelids open and saw a little girl who was knee high to a grasshopper banging my head and singing the chorus of the sutta song and followed it up with other pleasantries. HINDIcapped though I may be, I knew she didn’t say “ What Ho! Lovely night eh?” I jumped out of her berth asking her to spare my life. I checked the watch, it was 1:30 in the morning and sure enough, we’d reached Gudur!

Mr. TTE I hope Shallow Joseph gets you with a shotgun next time you sneak into his farm!

I looked around and saw at least a 100 people and all of them seemed to know each other. I guessed a whole village was migrating. One of them passed by me and let’s just say I got a whiff of the reason as to why they were moving – Water shortage or may be even a lack of bathing bars!

Naveen and I sat on either side of his suitcase illustrating the proverb “ Oruma undenkil ulakka melum kidakkam” which translates to “if you’ve got a buffalo, you can recline on a stick”. Oops! Sorry eruma is buffalo, oruma is unity! Make the appropriate changes will you? Thanks.

Sleep deprived as we were, we recounted our tales of woe. Naveen told me how the chick we saw the previous week at the movies was Ms. South India or summat and that her name was Shana. She sure was a hottie, but then she was with a guy chiselled out of stone. Is that all gals care about? We wondered. I mean have you ever seen a gal go “oooooooooh he’s so hot, he makes cryptic crosswords!” well if you have, mail me the details at tony.crossie@gmail.com 😉

The train stopped almost as soon as it started. And we lay there not more than 10 metres after Gudur station for TWO HOURS! If I get my hands on that Coelho dude who said something about the universe conspiring in your favour I’ll, I’ll…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!

1000 mosquito bites, one broken back and a badly aching butt later, it was dawn. I caught Jijo ( a fellow college mate) by the collar and dragged him out of his berth and promptly crashed. I caught up on the dream “ Manchester United have the ball now. It’s a brilliant move, Smith to SHAAAAAAANNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH! BEAUTIFUL G(O)AL!!”

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25 Responses to “RAILWoeS II – The Departed ;)”

  1. maybe it was the universe conspiring to make you post this blogpost?

  2. ummahh!!! loved this one. crisp, small, and “brings a smile on everyones face”. oops sounds more like my description for chicken nuggets.
    hey and love u for mentioning eruma. i am simply in love with the animal now that my gran finds uncanny resemblance btween a 19 yr “grown up woman” and an eruma.
    btw i guess u can find girls who say, “ooh he is so hot. he writes awesomely well da”

  3. 😦 .. dont say mean stuff abt Coelho.. i loved that book.. 😦

    and abt girls well well.. u just dont stop do.. Give up da! nothin u do can ever change the fact no one from the opposite sex finds u suitable. (oo did i see a spark light up when i said ‘sex’.. down boy down!! i knw nitw is deprived! )

    haan! now comes the part where i praise u.. oo i love it when u blog.. i can say all the trash i want n then make u feel happy with the last nice bit!! 😛

    ahem.. post was nice n funny!! n with Shaana.. well all the best! wat more can i say!

    😉

    p.s: u so hate me dontya!! 😛

  4. Was lead here by a friend, and I have to say, will be here for sometime readin all ur old posts… keep it going, and yeah, all da best on da galz front.. 😀

  5. insatiablyfunny Says:

    roflmao… that was really good! 🙂

    June 01, 2007 5:43 AM

  6. insatiablyfunny Says:

    oh and btw…. oooo you’re so hot… you make cryptic crosswords…

    (Happy? Don’t forget the 100 bucks you owe me for this comment… 😉 )

    June 01, 2007 5:45 AM

  7. dude,neva knew i cud end up bein such an inspiration tht u come up wid a follow-up on our story…hehe…
    like kochumol puts it ” a nice n crispy read” da…though u cud’ve generated a lil more reader interest wid more descriptions on the shaana front or ofcourse abt urs truly![:D]
    gud to see ya bk to bloggin…keep crappin dude…u rock at it!

    n yo macha 4 remindin abt Shaana..defntly a beauty!!hehe..[;)]

    June 01, 2007 7:16 AM

  8. I heard someone say,
    “O he is such a crack pot,he makes cryptic words” 😀
    Nice one man and ur new template is nice!

    June 03, 2007 11:42 PM

  9. lazy knight Says:

    do fwd me any any of those mails hitting ur mail box..i used to make cryptic crosswords in a different age 🙂

    June 04, 2007 8:31 AM

  10. Now, maybe i lost my sense of humor after leaving college for the summer hols(or was it when i entered the college??well..who cares anyway)..someone correct me here..but i seriously didnt find anything humorous in your post tony..i dont mean to be rude or anything..just putting down what i thought..it looked like you were pushing your limits to create a humorous piece..maybe it was because you went overboard while describing the TTE or the situation in the train..
    though not all instances looked like exaggerations,especially the one where the train stopped a mere 10 meters away from the station for 2 hours – Murphy’s laws holding good u may say..
    And ya,as azeera says it was crisp and didnt meander away like some of your previous posts..
    And for the benefit of your female readers, ya this guy does make excellent cryptic crosswords and is a genius at words..(hope that brings a smile on your face and an increase in your female blog views :)..(And no..this aint no sumptuous feast before..rather after the execution..)

    June 07, 2007 4:42 AM

  11. ooooo this is fun! [:D]..

    June 07, 2007 6:55 AM

  12. oh wow…dat wos really gud maan..n btw think it over..u sure u dnt wanna join the scotlnd yard???…we can find u sumone hu luvs crypties der…wat say….newys wundrful work…kidu

    June 08, 2007 5:34 AM

  13. The MEANDERthal man Says:

    @everyone

    Thanks a ton for ur patience 😀

    @sireesha

    Did I ever claim it was funny? im sorry if i did… n well u always seem to have an opinion different from the rest of the world… thats great, it should motivate u to find your home planet 😛 (yeah i like to push the limits n think im funny) thanks for reading 🙂

    June 09, 2007 11:23 PM

  14. @ tony
    yup i m a frnd f malladi…she brags abt u n no wonders der i guess …awesum sense f humour…u ryt well…keep up de gud work..keep bloggin…n thnx for de comment

    June 10, 2007 12:00 AM

  15. Well..u never claimed ur post was funny but everyone else who commented on it said so..and home planet??didnt quite get ya thr..and its not like i said all ur posts are humorless..the previous one was awesome..

    June 11, 2007 12:01 AM

  16. @ sireesha

    Just to make it clear

    wat tony meant to say was ..

    that the rest of the ppl were normal earthlings n hence found his post funny… well since u dint find it funny.. u probably arent from the earth.. n if u arent from the earth maybe u shud find out from where u have come from…

    Am i right tony? Sigh.. if i am right.. then i oughta start looking for my home planet too cuz, well i seem to be the only other person who seems to have somethin other than plain nice stuff to say! 😉

    😛
    cheers..

    June 11, 2007 11:40 AM

  17. :-” .. i love yahoo messenger!! 😉

    June 11, 2007 9:00 PM

  18. The MEANDERthal man Says:

    @ srav n sireesha

    That is not exactly what i meant.. i said “you always seem to differ from the rest of the world…” i was talkin abt a general issue n not a specific one… n yeah what srav explained after that is more or less what i meant…

    good going srav, there is definitely an improvement u have 2 brain cells now 😛

    June 12, 2007 12:04 AM

  19. oo nice.. so finally tony sebastian decides to retort.. not bad u ve got balls too 😛 .. (now dont gimme the crap that i let u bask in ur moment of glory n all that bull shit.. 😛 )

    June 12, 2007 1:10 AM

  20. btw.. here s an excellent post..

    http://insatiablyfunny.blogster.com/hatred_love.html

    learn something from ur junior

    😛

    cheers!!

  21. The MEANDERthal man Says:

    yaaaaaaaaaaawnnnnn!! Will someone put a lid on this female?

    June 12, 2007 7:51 AM

  22. /:) … fine lid put.. i wont comment on any of ur future posts.

    June 12, 2007 8:32 AM

  23. Didnt know that this blog was managed by two people – one blogs while the other explains the comments..good going.
    @tony
    well..i see things a bit differently – everyone else who found the blog funny might have landed up from some other planet and i being an earthling didnt find it funny..so i guess its the others who ought to go look out for their home planet and not me. 🙂
    call me smug or call me arrogant..i dont mind..but this is the way i am..
    good luck on your future blog ventures..

    June 13, 2007 3:45 AM

  24. Fantastic blog nd awesome posts…

    July 31, 2007 9:12 AM

  25. I don’t know whether it’s just me or if perhaps everyone else encountering issues with
    your blog. It appears like some of the written text on your content are running off the screen.
    Can someone else please comment and let me know if this
    is happening to them as well? This may be a issue
    with my web browser because I’ve had this happen previously. Cheers

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